To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER