“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.