I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER