I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER