My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER