Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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