All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER