I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER