A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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