I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER