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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

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Children Down First Month Shut Spend Talk Teah Tell Twelve Walk

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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Children Down First Month Shut Spend Talk Teah Tell Twelve Walk
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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