The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER