“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

Now, as never before, the old phrase has a literal meaning: we are all in the same boat.

My mother is a strong, wonderful woman. I could never be anything she didn’t want me to be.

I never knew anything about rapping.

I’ve never seen myself as a star. I never call myself a celebrity or a superstar, whatever.

If I never make another dollar, I am proud. I did what I wanted to do.

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

There’s never been anything like the so-called Vietnam Syndrome: it’s mostly a fabrication.

Never was anything great achieved without danger.