A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER