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self-pity is better than none.

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Better Ity None Self

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Hate Mingle Moher Once Orphanage Told Took
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Aim Fool High Off Shoot
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Best Contraceptive Nudity People
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Beneath Breast Knee Law Left Mother Out Pain Trick Tuned
Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Cook Food Lose May never Serve Taste
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Buy Get Gun Husbvband Into No Reply Say Shop Women
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Gold Have Health Important Jewelry Next Things
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Enough Laugh Wrinkle
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Ask Country Once Out People Player Room
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Along Always Easy Only Same Tell Understand
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Blouse Once Peekaboo People Peek Too Wore
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Bd Commemorate Cook Country Kid Person Thanksgiving Through
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Just Justice Like Look Photograph
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Buddhism Depth Feng Numerous Straight Technology Transcendental Work
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Jealous Mercy Pilead Talk
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Finish Half Hour Last Minute
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Age Back Do Go More Than
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Advice Away Bottle Children Follow Keep Transquilzer Work
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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All Life Own Real Thing
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Age Glove Love Old Sport Through
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Children Down First Month Shut Spend Talk Teah Tell Twelve Walk
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Ago Ask Fresh Grass Hour Lady Milk Said Three Waiter
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Away Children Home Keep Only Parent Some Thing Threaten
I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Age Come How Feel Me Old Rear See Should
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Dog Every Go Howl Near Stove Time

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