I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER