I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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All mothers are working mothers.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER