I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER