I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER