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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!

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Ask Baby Folk Head Hospital Leave Mother Over Photo Sack Ugliest

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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Common Day Husband Married Only Same Thing
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Airbag Now Old Walkertr
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Cloth Doctor Go Look Love Man Say Take
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Love Man Marry Money Nothing Tennis
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Drive License Made Most Now Old Sense Sixteen State Year
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Any Argument Bank Been Cab Country Just Robbed Three Time
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Begin Else Everything Fal Maybe Out Spread Start True Wear
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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After Ambulance Attack Close Doctor Door Heart Okay Provide
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bedroom Dead Nickname Nothing Happen Sea Waterbed
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER

Come Enemy Geet House Mess Really Strange Win
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bad Body Phase Prescription Shape Such Underwater Wear
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Christmas Everybody Forgotten Past Present Remember Time Want
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bachelor Guy Made Mistake Once Some
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bottle Kiss Play Quater Spin Want
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Exactly Friend Laugh Look Man Passport Photo Picture Realize
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Attack Country Dog Even Hear Ible Lisp Mail One People Person Piddle
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Always Before Down Drink Fall Friend Health
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bed Fight Go never Stay Up
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Beautiful Bribe Comedy Everything Goes Got Realize Somebody Step Train
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Avoid Beget Children Desire Entirely Mean Poverty Single Something Violence
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Ask Country Once Out People Player Room
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Appendix Back Divorce Husband Like Put Remarry
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Finish Half Hour Last Minute
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Advice Away Bottle Children Follow Keep Transquilzer Work

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