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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Ask Baby Folk Head Hospital Leave Mother Over Photo Sack Ugliest
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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All mothers are working mothers.
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