“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Xavier, who looks just like Zeus, not that I have any idea what Zeus looks like.

I expect them to have read books – there are a lot of people like that! That’s my audience.

I’ve got to be in The Guinness Book of World Records for having the most heart attacks on television.

Taking from what he has heard, he molds for all of us a program to make us and our people better for having been in his presence.

You should *have* an experience; it shouldn’t just *be* an experience.

Some Italians are geniuses, but you have to find a balance.

Put him in a nice detached villa and he’d never have written a word.

Having adventures and covering the activities of world leaders, appealed to me greatly. It was a very glamorous life in those days.