You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER