Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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