Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER