You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER