I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER