Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER