There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER