My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER