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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

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Bad Body Phase Prescription Shape Such Underwater Wear

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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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