Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER