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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

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Airbag Now Old Walkertr

Bagwalas

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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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