I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLERI don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER