You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER