I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER