If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER