This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER