Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER