Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER