The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER