The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER