Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER