“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

Mike Bloomfield sat down and started playing, and I went, whoa! Because I had never heard any white person play like that before.

Since fame is an illusion and death is in our future all we have is the next moment before we are swallowed into oblivion.

You can actually figure out before you work on something how much blood you will have to let emotionally.

I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.

It’s the place they take you before they give you over to the judicial system. You stay there for a year or two and they make you really suffer to confess everything.

People always see the success but they never see what’s gone on before it. Everyone thinks it happens over night.

Right now I am full of greed and vanity, so I cannot live with you like before. But may be we can meet like this.

I don’t believe in asking people to spend $15 on something they’ve never heard before. That’s just unreasonable.