“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

If you cross the Atlantic with an American lady you invariably fall in love with her before the journey is over.

Every man worships the dollar, and is down before his shrine from morning to night… Other men, the world over, worship regularly at the shrine with matins and vespers, nones and complines, and whatever other daily services may be known to the religious houses; but the New Yorker is always on his knees.

One that has never previously been seen before our time, in any age since the beginning of the world.

Before even Court Grip, I just wanted to be a part of a brand that I felt that listened to the athlete and really catered to the athlete, and gave us what we were looking for.

My favorite thing before going to school was watching ‘Full House,’ ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch,’ and ‘Boy Meets World.’

Before I became the ‘Great Test of the West,” I was the ‘Beast of the East.’

[Before each of numerous portrait sittings:] Now then, with teeth or without?

It will be proved that it extends everywhere, most fluid and simple, and nowhere presents obstacles as was formerly held, the circuits of the Planets being wholly free and without the labour and whirling round of any real spheres at all, being divinely governed under a given law.