My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER