I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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self-pity is better than none.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER