Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER