Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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self-pity is better than none.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER