“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

Always buy your straw hats in the Winter

I really take my hat off to anybody that steps in the ring because it’s so hard – you’re competing against your friends, and you’re working in front of an audience who tells you exactly what they’re thinking.

A new artist today has to get their teeth fixed, has to tighten their jeans up, and they have to get ’em the right kind of hat, and if anything’s wrong with their nose, if it’s a little crooked, it’s got to be straightened up.

Hang on to your hat. Hang on to your hope. And wind the clock, for tomorrow is another day.

Of the authors writing in English, I’d mention Shakespeare and Milton. But all this is terribly high-hat and makes me sound very po-faced, I’m afraid; however, I just happen to like these enormous, swinging, great creatures.

When I see old movies with women in floor-length dressing gowns, or when they’re going to the store and they’ve got a pillbox hat with a net over the eyes and white gloves,

I’ll never forget the time my mother showed up with her best friend and two daughters, and all four of us dressed up in matching clothes, shoes and hats to go pick up my brother from school.

My hats did give me an identity. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time someone has seen me bareheaded and said, ‘I almost didn’t recognize you without a hat on’, I could have bought the Cowboys myself.