My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER