“You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!”

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Even if you have done no wrong, no mistake in the last 50 years, remember the mistake you did 51 years ago and repent for it and become humble.

To be meek and humble means to have a service attitude towards God, the Vaisnavas, and all living beings. Unless we have that, our chanting will have minimal effect and many births may pass before we finally come to the conclusion.

O subtle love! a thousand wiles thou hast, by humble suit, by service, or by hire, to win a maiden’s hold,–a thing soon done, for nature framed all women to be won.

The word surrender sounds horrible to one who wants to enjoy his senses but very sweet to one who has a humble heart.

The more one makes spiritual advancement, one feels humble and as one’s devotion is superficial that much he feels that he is a great devotee.

Humble people dont get Offended easily.

When we recognize how precious and truly glorious we are, then we become humbled by that and recognize everyone’s true spiritual identity. And then our greatest joy is in sharing.

Our humble service attitude in our life is what determines what effect chanting will have on our consciousness. Otherwise we can be chanting for millions and millions of births before we actually achieve the goal.