It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER