“I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?”

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!

Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I do believe that the party has a bunch of elephants running around in donkey clothes.

The world sums you up by the clothes that you wear, and treats you accordingly.

People didn’t know the difference between a blue line and a clothes line.

It feels wonderful to be go back to the 1940s and recreate the whole era through my clothes, voice and body language.

In a totalitarian state, the state views any act of an individual to be political in nature. For example, the clothing that a person wears in a modern state is a private affair whereas in the Islamic Republic all women are forced to wear the hijab (Islamic attire).

My parents were vegetarians. I’d show up at school, this giant black kid, with none of the cool clothes and a tofu sandwich and celery sticks.

I love shopping; I’m a jeans and a T-shirt kind of girl, but I go classy when I dress up – with a little bit of sexy.

I’m tryin’ to build myself bigger than just Ace Hood, I’m tryin’ to build myself as a bigger brand – open up clothing lines, colognes.