This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER