I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER