A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER