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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

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Country Discover Elect Eyewear Just Measurement People Person

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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER

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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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