His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER