Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER