You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER