A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER