“If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.”

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

I was well beaten myself, and I am better for it.

The best slave does not need to be beaten. She beats herself.

Most troubles are unnecessary. We have Nature beaten; we can make her grow wheat; we can keep warm when she sends blizzards. So we raise the devil just for pleasure–wars, politics, race-hatreds, labor-disputes.

I go to cancer wards, and I tell them guys, ‘I’ve beaten it. You can, too.’

In every battle there comes a time when both sides consider themselves beaten, then he who continues the attack wins.

They’re only there to wait for the men. To love them and be loved back or not — mostly not; to be beaten up or killed; to appear as a face on the wall of Meurseault’s cell.

He is far superior to any now living, and would doubtless have beaten Labourdonnais himself.

Sometimes in life, things happen that will knock you back. Hell, you may get beaten to your knees but you must never ALLOW this world to knock you down!