The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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