Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER