The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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