I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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