I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER