The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER