I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER