The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER