My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER