I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER