I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER