“Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.”

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

A house cannot be made habitable in a day; and, after all, how few days go to make up a century.

I always feel better after I post a cover. Even if it’s doing the little 15 second covers.

Dad, it’s been an up-and-down road for all of us, but you’ve always been there supporting from afar, texting me Bible verses every single day, telling me you love me every single day. That builds me up and I thank you so much. I love you. I’m just glad you’re part of this journey with us.

What are the sources of an illumination? To me, they come after hours of searching and keeping my soul ready. Yet they come in a flash, as a religious phenomenon.

After I got that hit off Satchel (Paige), I knew I was ready for the big leagues.

After the planet becomes theirs, many millions of years will have to pass before a beetle particularly loved by God, at the end of its calculations will find written on a sheet of paper in letters of fire that energy is equal to the mass multiplied by the square of the velocity of light.

Don’t wait for experience to come to you; go out after experience. Experience is your material.

Time is change; we measure its passage by how much things alter.