I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER