Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER