Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER