“The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

All mothers are working mothers.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.