“And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.”

I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?

You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

The serve was invented so that the net could play.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don’t cry over the one person who doesn’t.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I don’t have a primary doctor, a primary hairstylist, a primary anything. I don’t even have a primary address! Everything is just whenever I can find one.

Only desperation can account for what the Chinese do in the name of ‘medicine.’

Quarantine is good for health

I don’t need a doctor or a shaman to tell me how I feel, Only I have the power to heal. I can mend my wounds into scars as a reminder of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.

Doctors cut, burn, and torture the sick, and then demand of them an undeserved fee for such services.

I am the Doctor of Democracy.

Just made an appointment with the eye doctor because I don’t know what I saw in you.