“When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?”

I was’nt always black. There was this freckel that just grew and grew.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

Nobody ever says, Can I have your beets?

When you become senile, you won’t know it.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.

Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don’t want to see the dog doing them.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.

Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

The moment is timeless.

We lie best when we lie to ourselves.

Common sense is not so common.

We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.

Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right.