“You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don’t want to see the dog doing them.”

I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!

When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?

You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you’re pouring, or drinking.

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

If you know what you want, you will recognize it when you see it.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

The serve was invented so that the net could play.

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don’t cry over the one person who doesn’t.

They’re powerful, those songs. At times they’ve been my only way back, the only door out of the dark, bad places the black dog calls home.

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.

Speaking of competition in the fast-food industry. This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog. I’ll kill ’em, and I’m going to kill ’em before they kill me.

They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

Any woman who does not thoroughly enjoy tramping across the country on a clear frosty morning with a good gun and a pair of dogs does not know how to enjoy life.