I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
NORM MACDONALDThey say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
NORM MACDONALD