“I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.”

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

You can’t love your team without hating another team.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.

Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?

For someone who doesn’t even like love stories, I’ve played an awful lot of lovers.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.