Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
NORM MACDONALDThe standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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